Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am the mother of a 14-year old boy, “Percy,” my unico hijo and the reason I wake up in the morning.   From the time he was born to now, he has been the biggest blessing in my life.  I was a single mother and had no problem with that until his father Ahron came back into our lives (HIS life, really, but this affects me too). Anything that has to do with him, of course, has to do with me because he is my son and I have sole responsibility for him.

I was ok when Ahron first showed up because every boy needs a male role model and before his father, Percy never really had one.  When Ahron started coming regularly, every Saturday afternoon (after lunch and before dinner which I notice I still had to take care of) to take his son out.  But then, Ahron wanted to come every Wednesday afternoon too! I wanted to fight him in court but again, Percy was so happy to see him more often so I relented.

But I realized that Percy was changing. I found out that they always go to Ahron’s gym on Saturday, and now even every Wednesday!!!  Ahron is a body builder, and has gotten my son “hooked.” Now Ahron’s friends are HIS friends too.  But I also see that Percy, who used to be a loner, now has two friends who enjoy being with him when Ahron takes them all out to the gym.

True, these two friends are not the most popular boys in his class.  Percy’s friends were not those I would have chosen for him, but at least now he has a barkada, (group of friends) which every boy needs.  

Everybody says I am a worrywart, that I should be happy his father has now taken some responsibility for his son, and to focus on Percy’ happiness.  But I am worried about their going to the gym too much. Isn’t there some sickness you can get if you do that too much? I do not want my husband infecting him with this. 

– Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

Thank you for your email. 

You ask if too much gym can become a sickness and the answer is yes. Generally people go to the gym for health reasons or to become more fit (say, for sports) or to change their body shape in an effort to be more muscular, more “cut” (often, to be what they perceive is more attractive). Like most things in life, this is fine in moderation.

However, if gym work becomes an obsession, this can indicate body dysmorphia or muscle dysmorphia (also called bigorexia) which is basically a belief that one’s body is too small, skinny, or insufficiently muscular regardless of the objective reality. This is in effect reverse anorexia nervosa.

Your email does not suggest anything like this but does show that you have concerns about the influence Ahron has over Percy; you speak about Ahron “infecting him.” You do, however, recognize that there are positives in the relationship as well — he now has a father figure in his life and instead of being a loner now has a barkada and a new hobby. 

Perhaps you simply need to adjust to the reappearance of Ahron in your lives. An ongoing dialogue with your husband about Percy’s progress will help you keep track of how Percy is handling the father/son dynamic.

Similar conversations with Percy will help you monitor his behavior. Keep an eye out nevertheless for red flags, such as any growing obsession with body size, supplement or steroid talk, significant diet changes, or injuries being brushed off.

You should however remember that despite these Saturday/Wednesday meetups, you remain the primary influence in Percy’s life: you provide him with a stable home and make the important decisions. Sharing him with your husband does not diminish your role or its value or negate the love you have for your son.

Best wishes,

-– JAF Baer

Dear Rebecca,

Thank you very much for your letter. While I believe, like Mr Baer, that bigorexia is not the major discomfort about Ahron coming back into Percy’s life, let me tell you the basics so you can either shelf the issue until it becomes a problem OR start researching on it even more and decide what other course of action you should take.

“Bigorexia” is a psychological condition and type of body dysmorphic disorder which, like anorexia, involves a distorted self-image.

People with anorexia, obsessed with losing weight, to the point of exercising obsessively and starving themselves. People with bigorexia are obsessed with becoming larger, more muscular and/or bulking up, to the point of obsessive exercise, supplement taking and even steroid use.

Your son seems a long way off from being vulnerable to bigorexia. What I see is a 14-year old boy, Percy, who knows for sure his mom loves him, but who is (as anyone would be his shoes) curious about his father and why he is no longer around.

Percy’s joy must have been so palpable you could not bear to curtail Ahron’s visits. Besides, I doubt you could deny what Percy and Ahron are entitled to, especially after all these years: time to get to know each other better, be together and build that unique relationship between father and son.

Ahron may have been a cad as your partner, but he is not necessarily going to be one with his son.
So cut him some slack, Rebecca. In fact cut both of them some slack….especially since I feel your discomfort is not only because of Ahron’s sudden appearance.

Your disapproval could be triggered by the sense of unfairness of it all. Here you are, giving your all to this little one once he entered your life, secure in the knowledge that you and he were a team. And then, BAM! Just when he reached adolescence (a difficult enough time to begin with), who comes sauntering in but his father? Ahron, who got out when you need him most, and shows up now, when you have everything under control.

It is also not surprising that you would resent Percy for being so happy to see him each time Ahron picks him up. You can’t help feeling competitive and it is unfair of Percy to make you feel this way! Percy does not have the same history you had with Ahron, therefore, hard as it may be, withhold your disappointment of “Percy’s not seeing his father for who he is.” Forgive Percy for his joy at finally seeing, in flesh and blood, his father whom he has only imagined before this time.

Perhaps even more difficult, cut Arohn some slack too. Yes, he hurt you a lot, made you so angry, and betrayed your trust. But that is between the two of you, not between Ahron and Percy.
The sooner Ahron and Percy can have their own relationship going with as little interference from you as possible (though recognizing sometimes this may be warranted) the better it will be not only for Ahron and Percy, but also for you. Of that I am certain.

All the best – MG Holmes

Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com.