You haven’t formed strong friendships since relocating, but that takes time and returning home will have its own costs – not all of them financial
My husband and I are in a dilemma about where to live. We are in our early 30s and have an 18-month-old daughter. We are from the East Midlands but moved to the north-west three years ago to buy our first house. Our parents are in the East Midlands, as well as a few friends. My brother, who I am close to, also plans to move back from London in the next few years.
We moved to have a change, and for my husband to have some distance from our parents. He is not that close to his; I am close to my mum, but find the relationship challenging because she can behave erratically. My husband has put in quite a lot of effort to form connections in our new home city, but none seem to have stuck. I get some community from my colleagues and have tried to connect with other mums, but I sometimes long for the deep-rooted ties that come from longer term friends and family.
The choice is between moving back to be closer to parents and some friends, and for geographical familiarity, or staying in the north-west in the hope community will grow as our daughter grows up. At the moment, visits from our parents can feel intense due to them staying over. Moving back might improve relations with them through more regular informal contact, such as popping in or doing an activity together.
We would like to make the decision before our daughter starts school, and would love your advice.
My first thought is that you haven’t been in the north-west for long and could be on the verge of everything clicking into place.
I went to psychotherapist Katherine Walker, who said: “Your daughter starts school in a couple of years. This is often the time when deeper roots start to form and stand the test of time.” She also pointed out that “moving away has simply given you the opportunity to develop new bonds. It doesn’t mean the ones you already had will decline.”
She used the analogy of a relationship garden – there are tall, well-established trees that survive by themselves (family) v flowers (friends) that bring daily joy but need daily watering. “I would encourage you,” said Walker, “to focus on planting new flowers to enjoy over the coming years, and enjoy the trees you already have.”
Moving back will have costs – and not just fiscal ones. We wondered what you thought would change. Could you try to imagine what it would be like – not just your fantasy idea of it, but the reality, with all the issues that made you leave?
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My longterm boyfriend died last year. Is it too soon to date someone new? | Ask Annalisa BarbieriRead moreWalker also wanted you to think “about the decision in terms of broader opportunity, rather than what seems to be mainly about returning to deeper, older relationships. These are, of course, important, but just one factor in determining where you live. Where is better for career opportunities, schools, local amenities, ways to socialise, etc?”
The thing about moving to a place because of other people is that they may then move, or you may fall out with them, or something else may change. And your brother – another reason for moving back – may not move at all. You and your husband seem to be creating your own story. Give it a bit longer. Imagine moving back and everything being the same as when you left, and how frustrating that would feel.
As the daughter of immigrants, I understand that longing for deeper rooted connections, but the friends you make – people you have chosen – fill the gaps family can often leave.
You may find these podcasts I did on Belonging and Should We Move helpful.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.