From job interviews to trips to a tattoo parlour and interactions with the police, when should you use 'Sie' and when 'du'? Photo: picture alliance/dpa/dpa-tmn | Zacharie Scheurer
German promises rules for almost everything – except, apparently, how to address the person standing in front of you. Journalist and long-time resident Tom Pugh explains why even Germans are sometimes unsure when it’s 'Sie' or 'du'.
After more than 18 years in Germany, I like to think I’ve made progress with the language. I know I sometimes have to put a verb at the end of a sentence and I usually still remember what it was by the time I get there.
I’ve learned that tables have genders and accepted that the endings of certain words can’t be trusted.
But I still can’t reliably tell when it’s more appropriate to call someone du or Sie.
Recently, I met a German father – a soldier – whose teenage sons addressed him as Sie, which was something I’d previously imagined belonged in the 19th century along with duelling scars.
And this was in Berlin, which tends to be less formal than some other parts of the country.
I’ve asked Germans to explain the rules, of course, and what I’ve learned is that while they usually know when to switch, they can’t necessarily explain how they know.
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This is knowledge absorbed in childhood, it seems, while people who learn the language later in life are left playing catch-up. And simply opting for Sie whenever you’re unsure doesn’t always work. In my experience, people can be offended by too much formality almost as easily as too little.
I’ve also spent evenings with German friends plunged into existential crises because the boss has asked them to move from Sie to du.
The phrase "Wir können uns gerne duzen" (We can use [the informal] 'you') may sound like a progressive, hierarchy-flattening gesture of goodwill. But not everyone welcomes a daily performance of manufactured intimacy with the person who decides raises and promotions.
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Historically, du really did imply closeness, solidarity or rebellion against stiff social conventions. Students, workers’ movements and later countercultures adopted it partly to reject formal hierarchies.
Today, companies increasingly use it to sound youthful and approachable. Your bank may address you as though you’re an old friend, for example, at the same time as it ramps up your overdraft charges or knocks you back for a loan.
And the rules don’t just change over time; they depend on where you are in the country. For example, it seems that Hamburg is Germany’s least formal state, according to a recent analysis of company websites by Listflix.
In the northern city state, 26.2 percent of businesses use du, followed by Berlin on 24.7 percent. At the other end of the scale, Saxony-Anhalt manages just 17.2 percent.
The data also drills down to individual cities and districts. Flensburg apparently tops the informality rankings at 28.2 percent, compared with 12.8 percent in the Unstrut-Hainich district in Thuringia.
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These are patterns in website language, of course – rather than instructions for addressing your neighbours – but the figures still give a good idea of how much variation there is across the country (and of the degree to which Sie is still the preferred option).
Differences between industries can be even more striking. The data reveals that 85.6 percent of tattoo-studio websites in Germany use du, compared with just 1.2 percent of pharmacy websites. Apparently, getting inked creates a greater need for intimacy than getting paracetamol.
Fortunately for German learners – and despite the many grey areas – there are still situations in which newcomers can opt for either Sie or du with confidence.
Use du with children, in clearly informal groups or when somebody invites you to and you’re happy to accept. As a general rule of thumb, if everyone else around you is using du, it’s normally safe to follow suit.
Use Sie with the police and government officials. Doctors, notaries (and, yes, pharmacists) are also sensible Sie territory unless or until they tell you otherwise.
When it comes to the grey areas, it’s generally a good idea to listen before speaking if you can. Pay attention to how people introduce themselves and how others address them.
If necessary, you can just ask “Du oder Sie?”
It may not be the most elegant question, but at least it cuts through the uncertainty.
Generally speaking, it’s safer to start with Sie – if only because starting with du and then attempting to go back to Sie is socially more complicated; a bit like trying to reverse out of a hug.
Above all, remember that Germans don’t always get this right either. In a new part of Germany or an unfamiliar setting they might be just as unsure. But native speakers have the advantage of workarounds – like being able to get through a conversation without ever addressing someone directly.
Come to think of it, maybe mastering du and Sie isn’t the best measure of cultural integration. Perhaps the real trick is learning to get through an entire conversation without ever committing to either pronoun.
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