No parent wants their child to struggle. But the things parents do can disempower them later in life
The modern mind is a column where experts discuss mental health issues they are seeing in their work
When a child is anxious, most parents instinctively want to make things better. If your daughter is terrified of attending a birthday party, you might suggest she stay home. If your son worries you’ll forget to collect him from school, you reassure him that you’ll be there. When your child is afraid to sleep alone, you sit beside them until they fall asleep – inadvertently setting up a situation where they won’t sleep unless they are in your bed. Perhaps family holidays are even put on hold because one child is frightened of flying.
These responses come from love. No parent wants to watch their child struggle. But one of the hardest things I explain to parents of anxious children is that the things we do to make a child feel better in the moment can sometimes help keep their anxiety going and ultimately even disempower them later in life.
Psychologists and therapists call this family accommodation: when parents change their behaviour, routines, or expectations to help a child avoid or reduce anxiety.
The trouble with ‘kids these days’: are we giving young workers a fair go? | Gaynor Parkin and Dave Winsborough Read moreIt can be obvious. But it can also be remarkably subtle. We might answer for a shy child because we can see how uncomfortable they are. We email the teacher rather than encouraging them to ask for help themselves. We remove uncertainty wherever we can. And often it works. At least initially.
The child feels better. The parent feels better. The distress disappears and everyone experiences relief. But neither has had the opportunity to discover that the child could have coped.
Research suggests that parents frequently changed their behaviour and family routines to accommodate their children’s anxiety. The study, involving 75 parents of children with anxiety disorders, also found that greater family accommodation was associated with more severe anxiety symptoms. This doesn’t mean parents are causing their children’s anxiety. But it highlights how the ways families respond to distress can become part of a cycle that is difficult to break.
Avoidance is effective at reducing anxiety in the short term. But children also need opportunities to discover that they can feel anxious and still cope. That distinction matters. Our goal shouldn’t necessarily be to raise children who never experience anxiety. The goal is to help children learn that uncomfortable feelings don’t automatically mean they are in danger – and that those feelings can be tolerated.
This is also where a parent’s own anxiety can enter the picture. Watching your child panic before school or cry when you leave can be incredibly uncomfortable. If you are anxious yourself, uncertainty and distress may be particularly difficult to sit with.
When Tatiana* came to see me a few years ago, anxiety was affecting almost every part of her life. Her mornings revolved around getting her 11-year-old daughter through the school gates. Her daughter was experiencing social difficulties and Tatiana found herself constantly anticipating what might go wrong. She struggled to concentrate at work and often lay awake worrying. Before her daughter had even expressed concern, Tatiana was offering reassurance. If her daughter had a difficult day, Tatiana would contact the school with solutions or allow her to stay home to avoid uncomfortable situations with her peers.
Tatiana wasn’t responsible for causing her daughter’s anxiety. Anxiety is complex-temperament, genetics, life experiences and environment can all play a role. Even so, it can become a family system issue and, over time, it is reinforced.
However, parents can become a powerful part of the solution. Sometimes that begins with changing the question. The most helpful approach is a combination of warmth and validation. Instead of asking “How can I make my child stop feeling anxious?” ask “How can I help my child learn that they can cope with feeling anxious?”
Language is important. Instead of “There’s nothing to worry about”, try “I can see you’re worried. That’s scary. I’m here with you, and I know you can handle this. I’m here to support you.”
These questions can produce very different results. It might mean breaking a feared situation into manageable steps rather than removing it altogether. It can mean allowing a child to answer for themselves, attempt something independently or experience a small amount of uncertainty while knowing you are nearby. It is important not to withdraw support or force terrified children into situations they aren’t ready for. This doesn’t mean ignoring distress. We need to acknowledge that something is difficult without inadvertently communicating that it is dangerous or that the child cannot cope with it.
The most successful people I meet are often the ones struggling most | Darren LeeRead moreFor Tatiana, change began with recognising her own anxiety. Rather than anticipating every possible difficulty her daughter might encounter, she began encouraging her to work through manageable challenges independently. When her daughter experienced difficulties with friends, Tatiana talked through what her daughter might say or do herself. She continued to praise courage and help her daughter build resilience.
For childhood anxiety, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is commonly used. It helps children recognise anxious thoughts, develop coping skills and gradually face the things they fear.
Parents struggling with their own anxiety should know when to reach out for professional help. We influence our children more than we realise and, as we move through our own unresolved fears and anxiety, we give our children permission to do the same. Seeking help for our own anxiety isn’t separate from helping our children. Sometimes it’s an important part of it.
If a child is anxious, it can feel as though the problem lives entirely inside the child. We search for what is wrong and how to fix it. But children exist within family systems and families develop patterns around distress. Sometimes helping an anxious child means looking at those patterns – including our own. One of the most powerful messages a parent can give an anxious child is: whatever happens, I believe you can cope, and I am here to support you.